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Left the book I was reading in La Fortuna so now I’m rereading Atonement and can’t stop picturing stupid Kiera Knightley and stupid James McAvoy instead of just making up faces for the characters. Like when you want to do the crossword on the back of the cereal box but your little brother’s beat you to it. Sigh.

The house is quiet. My parents and I watched Jane Eyre this evening. I’d almost forgotten how it makes me want to call you darling with my legs around your waist, kissing your eyelids until your crows feet show. I can be romantic when I’m in the mood. It’s just when the world starts that the spell gets lifted and I get frustrated.

Nothing to do tomorrow but run and put photographs in an album and work on my EP. It’s so satisfying to finally have five songs in my pocket with all the control in my hands. Letting him do it was like letting someone else arrange my bedroom, and that just would not do. God, I am controlling.

I’ve been listening to a lot of new music lately, even some female artists, M.I.A’s new album when I go to the park, Milo when I’m moody, lots of M’s. Mmm – I made that sound out loud.

I live in an ice cream cone, waffle, and the bottom’s getting soggy. I’d call if I thought anything would be better than it has been until now.

There are less than two months till I leave.

o n r e t u r n i n g

Last night I lay awake listening to the pond frogs and a dog from down the street barking at nothing or something, it didn’t matter. My thighs were warm till I rolled over, flipping my pillow, curling my toes at the cold of untouched sheets. I pulled my stuffed puppy closer, slowly rubbing my thumb across his ear the way I have done since I was little and his ear was still soft. I could see my laptop slowly blinking across the room. Other than that, it was dark.

My thoughts ran their familiar track, beginning calmly, passing worries and frustrations, ending in determination to change things. For example: my sister’s given up talking to me again. I wish her silence bothered me more so that I might try to fix things or at least wave truce but I have finished five books in the past three weeks and also I no longer worry about being fluffy and soft because I think I am in all the right places and I love myself naked more than clothed, so there’s that.

Tonight, the air conditioning’s up too high. I know when Mum and Dad drink too much because they get stroppy and controlling about the air conditioning. There are no cold places to be found in my white sheets. I’ll have to start from one side and work my way to the other which will mess with my pillow cave, but it’s worth the trouble for cold dreams.

I have had so many nightmares lately. This one woman’s eyes won’t get out of my head. And the fingers that grew and shrank and kept fighting to claw me, horrendous. 

I met a man in Costa Rica who persists in his affections. I can’t decide on an hourly basis whether to encourage them or not. They pass the time but my interest is negligible. That sentence describes too many aspects of my life.

I often have to remind myself to unclench my jaw. It’s a bad habit. My head suffers.